CrackFic BleachxNaruto Worlds
by Kisa-chan-bg
Summary: It's a crack fic! Naruto universe meets the Bleach one and Naruto and Ichigo are God-like. While Naruto and Ichigo Narugo for short face many different challenges naked Rangiku, Grimm and others ahead! on their way to becoming true Gods, it is the con
1. Chapter 1

**CRACKFIC**

_Warning: __May contain spoilers for the real manga, and includes some homosexual scenes. Also, reading this may result in serious brain traumas._

It's a crack fic! Naruto universe meets the Bleach one and Naruto and Ichigo are God-like. While Naruto and Ichigo (Narugo for short) face many different challenges (naked Rangiku, Grimm and others ahead!) on their way to becoming true Gods, it is the constant struggle for gaining more and more strength between the two of them which is the most breathtaking part of the story.

Chapter 1 –

It was seven days ago when Naruto felt some spasms through his body. At first he thought it was the usual diarrhea but in fact, it was something a lot more serious. He spent 3 days in this condition and when he was finally absolutely sure it wasn't just a stomach problem he decided it was serious and he has to see a medic. His doubts were strengthened when he remembered what Itachi had done to him shortly before the events in this story. Naruto remembered he had read about a sexually transmitted disease in some Playboy magazine (by the way, it was Sakura's magazine. Even if she is not +18 who dare oppose her? Heh, nobody of course) and now he was really frightened about his health. And so, Naruto went to Karakura town to seek medical help from an expert. He walked and walked and eventually reached some weird looking buildings he had never seen before. It looked as if he was pretty close to the main town but his attention was caught by a guy obviously playing with some dolls, talking to himself. The guy was difficult to describe but to say he looked weird in his red clothes would be the least. At least, Naruto said to himself, "I won't look strange in these clothes here." At this very moment, however, the guy in red noticed Naruto's presence.

Guy in red: "Hmm, not a bad spirit at all, young one! You're different but not a bad one."

Naruto: "Of course I am different, you idiot. Don't associate me with you!"

Guy in red: "Judging by the current roster, we might need someone like you. By the way, my name is Don Kanonji, nice to meet you."

Naruto: "I don't care what your name is, tell me how to get to Isshin Kurosaki!"

Don Kanonji: "Don't you want to take part in my new Bad Spirit show before that?"

Naruto: "Ehh, s-s-s-spirits… l-like ghosts, eh?" Naruto faints

Don Kanonji: "Doh, I guess I'll have to take you to the clinic after all…"

Two hours later

Naruto was suddenly brought around from his unconsciousness. It took his eyes a few seconds to get used to the light in the room and … he screamed when he saw what was there in front of him!

**-- End of Chapter 1 --**


	2. Chapter 2

CRACKFIC

Chapter 2 –

"…Billie Jean is not my lover

She's just a girl who claims that

I am the one …"

Naruto sees Michael Jackson performing Billy Jean on the TV in the room. Not knowing who he is, Naruto suddenly attacks the TV set with, guess what, Rasengan!

Naruto: "Orochimaru! How did you find me here, you-"

Having heard all the chaos Naruto caused in his room, Isshin ran to the rescue.

Isshin: "What's going on in here, boy?"

Naruto: "Where the heck am I? Who are you and why are you in such weird clothes? Tell me where I can find Mr. Kurosaki!"

Isshin: "Feels good being looked for by young people at this age, Mr. Kurosaki has to be me."  
Naruto (thinking): "And this idiot will cure me? Where have I ended up-"

Isshin: "By the looks of it, you've contracted syphilis, young lion. So, was she, you know, good?"  
Naruto: "What do you mean, idiot?"  
Isshin: "Ah, playing ashamed now. You remind me of myself when I was your age."

Naruto: "Stop acting like an idiot and tell me what the fuck is syphilis and how the hell did I contract that? Was it some injection?"

Isshin: "Well, to put it that way, there are sweeter ways of getting it."

Naruto: "Meaning what?"  
Isshin: "I'd show you but Ichigo's Big Momma is watching us…" points to some poster on the wall

Naruto: "Who or what is Ichigo?"

Isshin: "Ichigo's my son. I'm sure you two will like each other, but you have to stay here for a while and recover before you two can meet. Besides, Ichigo's currently training hard to become stronger."

Suddenly we are transferred somewhere else and we hear a yell – "BABOON KING…!"

Jinta enters the room looking annoyed,

Jinta: "Who's watching the damn Animal Planet at such a high volume?! Oh, damnit, Renji, with your stupid baboon fetish…"

Beep Beep; Renji's cell phone rings

Ririn: "It's a hollow!"

Kurodo: "No, it's a bounto!"

Nova: "…"

Renji: "Sorry guys, I got to go now, a strange spiritual energy's been reported in Karakura, obviously."

In Ichigo's room

Ichigo: "Jesus, I shouldn't stop training like that, but I got so tired… I need to concentrate more from now on if I want to become truly strong…"Beep Beep

Rukia Kuchiki suddenly gets out of the wardrobe.

Ichigo: "What? When did you get in there again?!"

Rukia: "I don't have time for that, Ichigo. I have to go, see you."

Ichigo: "…"

Rukia and Renji meet outside the clinic Naruto is staying in.

Rukia: "Did they tell you what exactly we should expect here?"

Renji: "They told me nothing, really… let's go and check it out, shall we?"

Renji opens the door to Naruto's room…

**End of Chapter ****2 –**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 –

Renji opened the door slightly so Naruto didn't notice (Well, probably the door should be hit hardly for Naruto to become aware that something's happening) Rukia peeped in the room but saw nothing strange or dangerously looking. The shinigami decided to be polite and closed the door .After that knocked and opened it again. This time Naruto saw and heard them. Being his mighty self Naruto shot them with an impolite question.

Naruto: "Who are you people? Why are you dressed like that? What are you doing in my room? What do you want?..Nani nani naninani,blah…blah…."

Renji murmured to Rukia: "Does he really believe that we're still listening"

Rukia: "Eeh, probably. Just ignore him, the method works perfectly on Kon"

…"blah…blah…BLAHBLAAAAA….DATTEBAYOOOOOoOoooooOOO"

Renji's eye twitched, and again…and again..

Renji: "Shut up dattebayo"…silence…"great, I caught the damn "dattebayo" crap"

Rukia: " So, would you mind telling us your name and… what exactly you are?"

Naruto: "I'm Uzumaki Naruto, a ninja"

In Rukia's mind: Espada (meaning-sword) is related with swordsmen or warriors, They serve Aizen-baka.. erm Aizen-sama. And ninja is a warrior too - perhaps this boy is part of some new unit under Aizen-ba..sama's control.

In Renji's mind: I'm missing the show on Animal planet, damn that samurai or whatever he was"

Rukia: "Who is your commander? Aizen?

Naruto: "Aizen? I don't know an aizen.What it is?"

Renji: "So,you're playing dumb?

Naruto: "Wha- no, I'm not playing dumb. I live in Konoha and our Hokage is Tsunade!"

Renji: "So, Aizen renamed Hueco Mundo?... and is now calling himself a Hokage Tsunade"

Naruto: "No you dumbass. Tsunade is not Aizen!!"

Renji: "Who are calling a dumbass, you baka"

Naruto: "You, cuz you are one"

Renji: "Am not, you are!"

Naruto: " No, you are!"

Renji: ",You are!"

Naruto: "YOU ARE!!"

5 min later:

Naruto: "YOU ARE!!"

Renji: "YOU ARE!!"

Another 5 minutes later and suddenly someone cracks the door open and storms into the room – it's Ichigo, of course. He decided to follow Rukia after she left him alone in his room and when he heard the chaos caused by Naruto and Renji's argument he decided to check if everything's okay.

Ichigo: "What's going on in here? And who's that guy over there?"

Rukia: "He plays dumb, yet we think he's an intelligent and integral part of Aizen's new elite corps – so called 'ninja'."

Renji: "Fuck this ninja crap, he says I'm stupid!"

Ichigo: "Well, judging by this, I may as well agree he's probably quite intelligent."

Rukia: "I thought I'd prepare a pie while these two were showing off."

Ichigo: "Where did you find an oven in a … hospital?"

Rukia: "Don't be stupid, I can do everything. Now go and get it from next door. It's a Isshin's kitchen room, of course there's an oven there. Medics eat, too, don't they?"

Ichigo leaves and heads to the so-called kitchen room but when he gets inside he sees Grimmjow and Yoruichi in their kitty forms, taking everything they can hold in their hands from the fridge. When they see Ichigo they jump through the open window, leaving the kitchen in a mess. While Ichigo still can't believe what he just saw – the strange Bonnie & Clyde-like alliance between Yoruichi herself and Grimmjow, Rukia comes to the room and explodes in a burst of anger when she sees the chaos in the room.

Rukia: "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! I can't trust you for anything at all, I know I my cooking is almost as great as my drawing skills but you could've at least not tried to hide when eating everything by yourself!"

Ichigo: "You have to believe me, Rukia, it was Yoruichi and Grimm who did all this."

Rukia: "Who are you trying to deceive, Yoruichi would never do such a thing and why would she help an Espada get into here?"

Ichigo: "I don't know but I think we should get Soi-sama to find Yoruichi and ask her for explanation!"

Renji: "I watched on Animal Planet that now the cats are in reproductive period leave them be"

Rukia and Ichigo gave him dumb looks clearly speaking "I don't wanna know"

Ichigo: "Soo, Naruto, you don't know Aizen, do you?

Naruto: "Obviously"

Ichigo: "We have to be sure, I'll check for a hollow mask and a hole"

Ichigo stepped closer to the Konoha nin and observed his head about some parts or broken hollow mask. There were two thing that caught his attention – the forehead protector and the strangely looking whisker but none of them seemed to be a hollow mask.

'Maybe the hollow can completely remove their mask. These new "ninja" unit must be better than Espada, probably.' Thought Ichigo

Ichigo: "I don't see a hollow mask but there should be e hole somewhere for sure, let's find it"

**End of Chapter ****3 –**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 –

Naruto twitched at the last words : "NANI!?"

When Ichigo stepped even closer to Naruto, the nin stepped back, but unfortunately there was Renji who held his hands behind the blonde's back knowing he will resist.

Ichigo pulled the zipper of Naruto's sweatcher down, observed the throat and stated the obvious like it was something very hard to be comprehended.

"There's no hollow hole here. Perhaps it is where is Grimmjow's one"

Ichigo pulled the zipper down again and Naruto went into hysteria.

In Naruto' mind : "I should've listened to Jiraya and gone with him to one of those places filled with women. I don't want my first time to be a rape…with another two boys…I should've listened to Ero-seniiiiiin"

The nin tried to kick but the only thing that got the kicks was the air.

Ichigo observed the tummy and saw no hole again but he had to made himself look like he discovered something very strange and important and stuff like that, made himself looking smart

"There's a tattoo on his tummy" …well not that smart probably

"We can see that" Renji growled

The situation was very awkward and Rukia took some pics for blackmail…just in case.

The shinigami boys released the nin and he zipped his sweatcher as fast as he could.

"What the heck is wrong with you? Everybody has a hole, at least one! And on all people it is in one and the same place damn it. Who the heck has a hole in their throat!? "

"I do".

The voice belonged to a strange black-haired man, wearing a white jacket, black sash, and a white hakama. And he definitely had a hole in his throat; however it wasn't the hole which caught Naruto's attention.

"What's with that ultra white skin? Haven't you got a sun over here?"

"The sun is that yellow thing in the sky." Renji thought he'd state the obvious, just in case.

Naruto: "Who are you anyway? Another "Aizen" or whatever they called him…"

"My name is Ulquiorra Schiffer and-"

Naruto: "Wait, you mean you can pronounce that twice in the same way?"

Renji: "I don't think I would be able to do that."

Ulquiorra: "I was sent here by Aizen-sama to bring back Grimmjow. And I don't take any interest in you as you are clearly some piece of trash, which we won't need and will destroy itself sooner or later." Suddenly Ichigo returned to the room (he had gone to the toilet… happens all the time…) and when he noticed Ulquiorra he immediately charged at him only to be stopped by a bare hand.

Ulquiorra: "I have been given different orders so I won't waste any time on you right now. However to find Grimmjow I will have to let you see my zanpakuto release."

Ulquiorra whispered, "Resurrección." And all of a sudden he turned into a… ball of yarn.

Ulquiorra: "You people must have seen cats who like to play with me- ugh, with such balls. Now you wait and watch."

3 minutes later…

Meow.

Ulquiorra has succeeded in calling together all the cats in the neighbourhood except for Grimm-kitty and Yoruichi. It seemed that they weren't in their cat's forms anymore.

Ulquiorra sighed and left in search for Grimmjow. Ichigo yelled after the Arrancar

"HEY, you're not leaving all these cats here!"

Ulquiorra: "I have no need of them."

Ichigo: "Me neither"

Ulquiorra: "I am not concerned with your needs" and he flash stepped or whatever Arrancar called it, it was all the same anyway.

Cat choir: MEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!

Ichigo: "Dammit, those walking balls of hair are driving me mad!"

Renji: "Don't you think they are quite cute? I mean, I saw something like that on Animal Planet the other day…"

Rukia: "Quit that Animal Planet stuff, Renji. We have to find Grimmjow the Espada and Yoruichi-san before the green-eyed Arrancar."

Renji: "Where are they?"

Rukia: "Just keep your mouth shut for now. Let's get out of here."

Naruto: "Hey, what about me?! I was the centre of attention and suddenly you forgot about me, I don't like…"

Rukia: "You are coming with us. Although I don't know what it is, there is something around you that makes me feel like we should protect you from Aizen."

Everyone leaves and right after that Isshin enters the already empty room, speaking as if singing,  
Isshin: "Naru-chaaaan, I can now remove the poster and we … Ugh, where have you gone, Naru-chan!?"

We are transferred to Yoruichi and Grimmjow's hideout.

Yoruichi: "I didn't know being on the dark side was so good!"

Grimmjow: "Gah, I just want to destroy this town… not before I've eaten well, though."

Yoruichi: "You realize they are already after me, don't you?"

Grimmjow: "Your followers are jerks who we'll have no trouble dealing with. However, it's Ulquiorra's presence I'm feeling that worries me more. And that presence is stronger than ever. I doubt he released his zanpakuto, he's never done it before… Not that I've seen anyway."

Yoruichi: "What are we going to do next? Steal food from another hospital?"

Grimmjow: "We must find a way to get rid off those kids trailing us by killing them and make sure Ulquiorra doesn't find out where we are staying."

Another part of the town-

Ichigo to Naruto: "So what are you skilled at if you are not in Aizen's army?"

Naruto: "I am the best ninja in the world and one day I'll become Hokage!"

Ichigo: "Is that some title that's given to dumb pricks?"

Naruto: "Wait and see. I'll win a fight against you any day, any time."

Renji: "HEY! You two, look down there."

Naruto: "… I think that's called 'erection' in your world, too…"

Renji: "Not that. Look down there on the street!"

Naruto: "What is that?"

Renji: "It's a mouse!"

Rukia: "It's dead."

Ichigo: "What do you think it means, Renji? That Grimm and Yoruichi were here??"

Renji: "No. Do cats kill mice?"

Ichigo: "Pf, let's just leave it be."


	5. Chapter 0

**Flashback № 1 ( -1 chapter or 0 chapter )** (because it's soo "Bleach" style)

…"Uzumaki Naruto, I gave you part of my power, use it wisely"

A pair of bloody red sharingan eyes glimmered

…

…'The scene would be soo ultra mega hyper cool when made into movie. My eyes are just too cool.' Thought Itachi 'The mystery and stuff, it would be awesome'

…"chi…tachi…Itachi…ITACHIIII" came a voice near the sharingan user

"Want a drink, we are in a bar because of the drink you know"

"No, thanks"

Kisame: "Are you dreaming about becoming an actor again?"

Itachi: intensive glare at Kisame…"……Of course not"

Kisame: "By the way, was it a good idea to leave the Kyuubi boy in the wood unconsciousness."

Itachi: " Pff, what can happen to him, we already told the Akatsuki that he is not in that forest and right now they can't sense him anyway. Do not worry"

Somewhere in the said forest

A female fox was blarneying Naruto's tummy

Kisame: "Fine, but you at least could've told him the side effect"

Itachi: "…And he would think that I did something to him"

Kisame: "You didn't?"

Itachi: "Of course I didn't"

After 1 hour and 20-25 beers, vodkas and others various drinks

Kisame: "..Itachi..hic…I bet there's other people who have blue hair and are not related to me"

Itachi: "I think there aren't any"

Kisame: "Ok, it's a bet then..hic"

Itachi: "Fine, consider yourself having lost the bet"

Kisame: "I think hic there's a talking cat too…and..and.."

Itachi: "People with holes in their tummies"

Kisame: "…yeah…"

Itachi rolled his eyes: "Dumb, there are no such things"

Kisame: "We'll see…hic…falls asleep"

End of flashback


End file.
